


Right Here In This Moment

by April_Valentine



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-10
Updated: 2015-11-10
Packaged: 2018-04-30 22:17:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5181725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/April_Valentine/pseuds/April_Valentine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A fix-it fic for the new episode of The Walking Dead, "Now." Rick's thoughts as he talks to Jessie at the end of the episode. Most Rickyl fans weren't happy with the kiss and I wasn't either. This is my head canon for that scene and this season.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Right Here In This Moment

“Those bodies by the graveyard… “ Rick said haltingly, “the reason I wanted to wait…”

He didn’t even really know what he was doing there, in her kitchen. It seemed inappropriate, like he didn’t have the right. But there he was. Trying to explain.  
Even though he didn’t really understand it all himself.

“Was Glenn,” he continued. The niggling concern in the back of his mind wanted to overwhelm him. If he gave it voice, it would be real. He had known Glenn since the beginning. He had saved him in Atlanta, been a part of his family ever since. And even though he knew the kid – well, he wasn’t a kid anymore, was Glenn? – if the man could take care of himself, Rick was still worried. He had a dead feeling, deep in his gut, and he didn’t want to talk about it, look at it too closely, make it real. 

But he went on. “We don’t know if he’s still out there.” And then he said the other names, the names of the family members still not home. “Daryl, Sasha, Abraham. I wanted them back by now.”

He buried Daryl’s name in with the others, trying to pretend that he didn’t want to stand at the wall and scream it as loud as he could. That he hadn’t been barking it into the walkie every fifteen minutes since he got back, even if all he got in response was static. 

Yeah, he was worried about Sasha and Abraham, too. Like he’d told the others, they had vehicles. That could mean the difference between life and death. And he knew how capable they all were.

Daryl especially. 

Yes, he had buried his name in with the others. He didn’t want to acknowledge that he was the most important of the missing to Rick. That it had always been Daryl.

There had been a time when Daryl had been the closest person in the world to him. Still was, if it came right down to it. They had been close physically, and even though they had also been close emotionally, neither of them had been able to handle it.

Emotions, for Daryl, were incomprehensible things, scary things, worse than walkers or cannibals or the walls of Alexandria. To take feelings and try to put words to them, that was something Daryl would cut off his arm rather than do.

So they had touched, held each other, kissed, fucked. But they had never talked about it. Never made any statements. Or promises. Or vows. 

They didn’t share a cell, or sleep the night together. But every so often, Daryl would seek Rick out. Or Rick would go find Daryl. Their eyes would meet, barriers would fall. Then clothes. And inhibitions. 

The sex with Daryl was like nothing Rick had ever experienced. It was raw, primal, man to man, bright like explosions, painful like bullets, desperate, ecstatic. When Daryl touched him, Rick’s skin came alive, his mind went blessedly blank and the world went away for awhile. 

And when it was finished, as they lay panting, breaths and heartbeats in sync, for a moment Rick would want to talk, to whisper just a few words. With Lori, words had been important. But to Daryl, they were the enemy, walkers for a man without a weapon. He seemed to sense when Rick was about to open his mouth and that’s when it would be over. He would withdraw, not cruelly but abruptly. The connection Rick had so wanted to make would snap and Daryl would dress and leave him, huddle back into his vest and behind his crossbow. Until the next time.

Until there was no next time. 

They hadn’t touched each other since they walked through the gates of Alexandria. 

Rick had watched as Daryl struggled to fit in. He saw how Daryl brought out his inner redneck, seemingly to shock and horrify the residents, to keep them as far from him as he possibly could. His act was nearly as polished as Carol’s. He was the man who cleaned dead animals on the pristine porch of an eight hundred thousand dollar home, who refused to shower or wear new clothes. Rick saw that he was confused, hurting, fighting the emotions that threatened to overwhelm him within the walls that to everyone else meant safety but to Daryl felt like a cage.

At least Daryl had made friends with Aaron and decided that recruiting would be his job. He seemed to relax in the other man’s garage where he built a new bike for himself. Rick had grinned at him proudly when Daryl had showed him the finished project, but he had refrained from patting the other man on the back as he would have anyone else. Or before they had come to this place.

And they differed. Rick had told him he didn’t think they should continue recruiting. As always, Daryl had remained supportive of Rick, but he continued to go out with Aaron. Looking back, Rick wished he had been there in the days when the confrontation with Pete had come to a head. Maybe Daryl’s presence would have grounded Rick. Would have kept him from giving in to his murderous side, like he did when Rick had been holding a gun to Carter’s head.

“Rick” was all Daryl had uttered, and not for the first time, it had brought Rick back. He wondered what would have happened if Daryl had been there for the town meeting when Pete had come in drunk and wielding Michonne’s katana. 

It wasn’t until it was over that that whisperend “Rick” had penetrated the fog in Rick’s head. He had looked up to see his act had been witnessed, not only by Aaron and Daryl, but by Morgan. 

And that old relationship had somehow left him no time to properly talk to Daryl too. There had only been time to discuss the plan to deal with the mass of walkers, when Daryl had readily agreed to drive in front of them. As always, he was behind Rick all the way with the plan. 

And yet, there was a big hole in Rick’s heart where Daryl’s used to be. No, they had never talked about it but their hearts, the hearts of two wounded, lonely men, had co-existed for a time. Rick had always thought that once things settled down in Alexandria that they would again. When they were fucking, when they were fighting side by side, when they were walking the endless, hot, hungry road, their hearts had beat together. Whether they were friends or family or brothers or lovers or just two guys who had never touched intimately, their hearts had shared the same tempo.

And now they didn’t. 

They had tried, earlier today when Rick had shouted Daryl’s name into his walkie. When he had heard Daryl shouting his name into his own. But there had been no time. There was never enough time. There were walkers on the loose, people dying, separating. 

That was the main thing wrong. He should be beside Daryl. He should have him in sight. There shouldn’t be just a static filled conversation between them. But they had jobs to do. 

Rick had wished Daryl had found him at the RV. He had managed to escape the oncoming herd and make it back on his own, but the success didn’t feel like a victory. He had wanted to come through the gates with Daryl and with the rest of his family. Glenn hadn’t been seen by Michonne’s group. Daryl, Sasha and Abraham had continued on to drive the herd farther away from town.

So he buried his name with the others. Couldn’t show that his concern for Daryl was any more than for his other friends. Not here, with her.

She had stepped up, killed fearlessly. Wanted to bury the dead. Spoken up to her neighbors. She was strong and she was beautiful. She had been abused by her husband and Rick wasn’t sorry he had killed him. Like Carol, she was stronger than she had known. Like Lori, she didn’t condemn Rick for his actions.

So he told her that he had wanted to wait before moving on. And he told her the danger could go on awhile.

“Rick, it already has,” she was saying then. “They could still be alive. We’re not moving past that. It’s just… right here in this moment. This is it, this is what it is.”

_They could still be alive._

Those were the words he should focus on, he told himself. They could still be alive. Glenn could be. Sasha and Abraham could be. And Daryl. 

Daryl had to be.

But instead his mind slipped toward her other words. _Right here, in this moment…_

In this moment, Rick felt utterly alone. 

“I wasn’t saying there wasn’t a future. There’s gotta be. Tell me there’s more,” Jessie said, looking at him.

He couldn’t tell her there was more, that life was worth living, could get better. So he kissed her.

She melted into him and he closed his eyes, feeling good that he could still offer a woman his strength, that someone here really did want his leadership. 

He and Daryl hadn’t touched each other since coming to Alexandria. They had never talked about their feelings for each other, never admitted there were such things as feelings between them, hiding behind the pretense that all they were doing was stress relief or companionship. 

But in this moment, all Rick could feel was that he was betraying everything that had ever meant anything to him. 

They had never made any promises or vows. Hadn’t been together in months. But it was still a betrayal.

Jessie wanted more. That was obvious. 

But Rick stopped. Met her eyes, but said nothing. 

Turned and went back to the wall where he could continue to keep watch.

And wait for them all to come home. 

Wait for Daryl.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my new friends from the Rickyl Writers Group who have welcomed me to the fandom! Thanks to Skarlatha, TWDObsessive, MaroonCamero and MichelleAEmerlind for reading this and letting me know it was okay enough to post and for their beta eyes. You guys are the best!


End file.
